he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
