I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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