When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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