We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
