i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
