Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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