What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
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I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize