Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
