I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
