drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
