remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
