my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
We are two peas in an std pod
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
