My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize