oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
