Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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