Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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