Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
