if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
