just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
