There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
