shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I need to sanitize my soul.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
