Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
