My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
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