when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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