I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
