I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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