How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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