Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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