he was CRYING into my vagina
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
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S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
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So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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