dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
