She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
