Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
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Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
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Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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