hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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