Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
The air taste purple.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
