watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
