Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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