It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
