No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
