I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
