apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Barsexuality is the new black.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
