this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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