quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Randomize
