WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
