I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
there is puke in my bra ... again
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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