i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
