just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
