im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
