Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
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