So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
