Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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