I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
