I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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