Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Randomize
