Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Randomize
