i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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