I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize
