i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
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Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
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