Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
