my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
