Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize