I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
