i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
