WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
